I stare at my kid so much; I probably look like a stalker. I miss most movies, rides, shows and events because I’m always watching her. Does she think the jokes are funny? Is she happy? Is she frightened? Does she think the clown looks as creepy as I do?
My daughter is very expressive. I like to think I can read those expressions. After all, she’s pretty much a mini-me. Her thoughts are written all over her face, which is both cute and a curse. It cracks me up, which is cute. It makes for bad lying, which is a curse.
Yesterday, we went to the birthday party of one of Babyface’s good friends. Here are her thoughts as I read them:
We walked into an elaborate setting. It was a real carnival relived. The cake was unique with a cute, airplane ride topping; a pole in the middle with four airplanes connected to it with strings. It was the centerpiece for mouthwatering cupcakes, precisely sprinkled around it.
Nothing like the birthdays I experienced as a kid, when the cake was homemade and resembled a funhouse. The toppings would slide off because the cake was lopsided. It always took a few minutes to figure out what the writing on the cake said.
BABYFACE: No one will notice if I take just one of the planes.
I’d like to lick the frosting off all the cupcakes. If I do it to all of them, it’ll just look like they never had frosting.
Why doesn’t my mommy get me cakes like this?
Maybe if I drool over the cake and the drops hit it, then no one will want to eat it…and it will be all mine, mine, mine!
I led Babyface through to the gift bench. It was packed full of gifts with little space in-between for additions. She put her gift on the ground, so she could move the others to make room. She paused each time she picked one up.
BABYFACE: Mom, quick, let’s make a run for it!
This one feels like clothes. I feel sorry for my friend.
Who wrapped this? A four-year-old.
This one is in a bag. Are the parents too lazy to wrap the gift?
Can we turn this party into a white elephant exchange? I want my gift back.
If I open the gifts, do I get to keep them?
My friend, the hostess, handed my daughter a white bag and directed her to the nicely planned carnival stations, where she could collect prizes for winning. The stations weren’t watched and the prizes were self-serve. You had to hook a rubber ducky with a fishing pole at the first one. The prize was a pencil.
BABYFACE: Mom, why didn’t you teach me how to fish before this party?
Mom, quick, no one’s looking. Attach the ducky to the hook.
None of these pencils are sharpened. How am I supposed to poke someone with them?
There are more pencils than kids in the prize bag. Can I take two?
We walked to the second station. It was a Cleveland Browns beanbag toss. Or, better known as Corn-Hole-transformed. The prize was a twisty straw.
BABYFACE: Mom, I want to know what’s inside the beanbag. Can we cut it open?
Good thing this says Cleveland Browns and not Cincinnati Bengals or Daddy would look like he does when he gives me a time out.
Are these straws BPA-free?
She handed me her bag and informed me she was ready to go on the trampoline. Yes, the backyard was big enough for dinner tables, carnival games, a buffet table and a trampoline. The kid-limit to avoid turning the trampoline into a mosh pit was four. There was a ten-year-old who wanted to jump into the mix.
BABYFACE: Why don’t you jump with kids your own size?
Why are you at a four-year-old’s birthday party?
If I try to do flips, maybe I can give mommy a heart attack.
If I run in circles and smash into kids, maybe mommy will pass out.
Pump up the Rage Against The Machine and let’s get this party started!
The hostess called for all the little ones to gather around a magician. Babyface rushed out of the trampoline to find a spot next to the show.
BABYFACE: Is she supposed to be a fairy, a witch or a princess? She looks pretty confused to me.
Her socks don’t match.
She keeps talking about magic toys in her hat, but she isn’t giving me any.
She keeps talking about magic bunnies, but those are plastic.
She keeps talking about magic, but she isn’t doing any.
After the magic show, the magician turned into a skilled face painter. All of the kids quickly lined up.
BABYFACE: Abracadabra, she is multitalented.
She better be able to do a good Dragon face or mommy will give her a bad Yelp review.
Why do kids keep cutting in front of me? Mommy needs to take care of business.
The magician was definitely a skilled face painter. Babyface had the most beautiful dragon face. Now, it was time to eat dinner.
BABYFACE: I like Kraft mac ‘n’ cheese better than this gourmet stuff.
Why can’t we just have cake for dinner?
Frosting is a condiment, right? I like to eat it as much as I like to eat straight ketchup.
Why are they serving vegetables? I thought this was a kid’s birthday party.
Dinner was delicious. More gourmet than most birthday parties I’ve ever been to: pulled pork, beef brisket and chicken legs. Not your typical hamburger-and-hot-dog spread. It was time for the cake, cupcakes and various other candies.
BABYFACE: Can I put the frosting on my giant lollipop?
Can I have more than one piece of cake and several cupcakes? I only like the frosting.
I’ll make sure I chew the entire lollipop, to up the anti on more cavities. My dentist will love me because I’ll have to see him more often.
If I eat more candy, I can make mommy more tired when we get home.
If I eat more candy, I’ll stay up later.
There better be this much cake and candy at my birthday party!
Exhausted and ready for a glass of wine… Oh wait, that was me. Exhausted and ready to go home, but pretending that she had a burst of energy, it was time for Babyface to go home. We were headed to the sugar-and-sensory-overload tantrum and those usually involve a lot of kicking and screaming. She grabbed her goodie bag and opened it in the car.
BABYFACE: Yeah! There’s a balloon in here. Daddy can blow it up and I can try to pop it in mommy’s ear.
More candy! I can get another fix. Here’s to getting my second wind.
All-in-all, one of the best birthday parties I’ve ever seen. On the ride home, Babyface summed it up, “I had the best time I’ve ever had!”