Unlimited Mommy Bashing Minutes - August 23, 2012

Whenever a mommy who doesn’t live near their parents says, “it must be great to have free babysitters”, I let out a little chuckle in my head (at least I think it’s in my head).  Unless June Cleaver’s doppelganger gave birth to you, you still have to pay for their time.  I am not talking about monetary compensation, either.  I’m talking about in mommy bashing minutes.  And, unfortunately, this is the only time you don’t want unlimited minutes.

 

I had to meet with my daughter’s teacher for the preliminary getting-to-know-your-child conference, so I asked my parents if they could watch her.  Of course they obliged because they love their granddaughter.  The meeting was only a half-an-hour, but I tacked on another hour to eat (and actually chew my food) and run a couple of errands.

 

When I arrived at their house, I took in a deep breath and headed to the door.  The floodgates would soon be opened and I would be drowning in advice and opinions about my parenting choices and life.  It’s amazing how my daughter can spend only a few hours with my parents and they still manage to come up with mental bullet points of what I need to improve.

 

I’ve been on an antibiotic for a sinus infection and it’s caused a lot of fatigue, so I’ve been pretty tired the past few days.  I explained this to my father and he went into his typical spiel about how I need to do my breathing exercises.  I swear, “do your breathing exercises” is the answer to everything in the world for my father.

 

Situation: My husband has to work late and my daughter has decided she will never sleep again.

Dad’s Solution: Do your breathing exercises.

 

Situation: The garage door won’t open, I can’t reach the manual string and I need to pick up my daughter in 5 minutes.

Dad’s Solution: Do your breathing exercises.

 

Situation: We’re in jeopardy because a nuclear reactor is about to explode.

Dad’s Solution: Do your breathing exercises.

 

I’m tempted to record this on my iPhone and replay it every time he asks me a question and I answer incorrectly (100% guarantee) because this is his answer to EVERYTHING.  I need to do breathing exercises to deal with him always telling me to do breathing exercises.

 

[Insert breathing exercises here]

 

Then, there is my mother’s chorus.

 

What are you feeding her? 

She needs good food.

Kraft cheese slices and juice from concentrate.

Why don’t you bathe her?

She is always itchy.

Apply some lotion or some talcum powder.

 

[Insert breathing exercises here]

 

Unfortunately, I am not allowed to have opinions about their opinions because they’ll shut down my service.  Aren’t grandparents great?

 

All jokes aside, the price I pay is far under wholesale.  It’s basically like going into a dollar store and finding Louis Vuitton.  My daughter gets to spend valuable time with her grandparents.  They get to watch her grow.  I have babysitters I can trust because they love her.  Priceless unlimited minutes.  Dad, are you reading this?

 

  1. Do we have the same parents?! You could be talking about us… Instead of breathing exercises it is “practice behavior modification!”. Ate too much last night? Behavior Modification. Too much exercise and you pulled a muscle… You get the idea.

    Comment by Chelsea — August 23, 2012 @ 9:13 am
  2. Apparently we should do breathing exercises while we practice behavior modification :)

    Comment by Mommy Unmuted — August 23, 2012 @ 9:19 am
  3. what I hate is the my husband has so strange thing of agree with his mom in front of her even though he agrees with me – it makes her feel so darn superior to me that she keeps trying to tell me how to parent! Step up and tell the woman the truth so I can stop being so irritated by her!

    Comment by Nicole — August 24, 2012 @ 5:57 pm
  4. Maybe if you say something like, “It’s okay. I understand you’re scared of your mom. I get it,” in the same condescending tone she uses, he’ll stand up to her. Men don’t like to be told they’re cowards :)

    Comment by Mommy Unmuted — August 24, 2012 @ 6:50 pm

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