Teach Our Kids “This”? - July 24, 2012

I’m sinking in my chair as I write this.  The concept makes me cringe.  This entry embarrasses me and makes me want to cover my eyes, but it’s a topic I can’t move out of my mind.  Hopefully, if I share it and write about it, I can forget about it for another ten years.  My husband may vomit while he reads this (Warning to hubby: read with a barf bag present).


Recently, a mommy friend of mine and I were discussing teen pregnancy.  It’s a fear all mothers have, especially mothers with daughters.  The question arose: how will you deal with educating your child on teen pregnancy?


I’ve already thought a lot about this, unlike my husband, who will send our daughter to a convent, if she ever mentions the words “boyfriend”, “sex”, “birth control”, “love” or even “I have a friend who is a boy”.  I would be open and honest with her, I thought.  We would discuss how to make a mature decision.  We would discuss options (there are none).  We would talk and talk and talk, until she made the right decision (to wait until she’s 21+ to partake in intercourse).


Truth: I would use reverse psychology and manipulation (yes, really).  I would be her best friend.  If she still decided to do the deed, I would discuss being responsible with her.  The reality is, she may choose to do it and if we don’t acknowledge that, she could end up with an unwanted pregnancy or disease.


This is when my friend responded with a very strange solution she heard on the Dr. Phil show.  She said, “If you don’t want your kid to get pregnant, then you’re supposed to teach them to play with themselves.”


Huh?  I asked her to repeat herself, because she clearly couldn’t be suggesting that we teach our children “this”.  She repeated and I tasted a little vomit in my mouth.  How was this supposed to work, I thought.  Do they make “how to” videos for “this” sort of thing?  Was I supposed to “show” her “this”?  WTF!


Is there a more progressive and updated version of Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret? or Our Bodies, Ourselves I can buy?  Does Dr. Phil not have better things to do than make me THIS uncomfortable about “this”?  I consider myself a forward-minded person, but discussing “this” with my daughter may be borderline insane.  At least, it would make me insane.  If I go insane and get committed, then my daughter wouldn’t have a mother.  She would probably lash out by having unsafe sex and getting pregnant.  Nice going, Dr. Phil!  WTF!


I did some Google searches and couldn’t find any evidence that Dr. Phil had recommended this.  Then, I stumbled upon a link on Oprah.com, where Dr. Laura Berman discusses how to have the “sex talk” and teach your kid “this”.  Oprah was the instigator of this uncomfortable mess!  WTF!


There are links to diagrams.  This doesn’t bother me because it’s just an anatomy lesson.  I would help my daughter pass her anatomy class any day.  I would help her learn all of the parts, just not their functions.


Then, Dr. Berman says to go out and buy my daughter a clitoral vibrator.  I can’t believe I just typed “vibrator” and “daughter” in the same sentence.  Wait, the phone’s ringing.  I’m pretty sure it’s the hospital calling to let me know my husband had a heart attack.  I better answer that.  Am I supposed to walk into a sex shop and let her pick one out like a prom dress?  WTF!


Okay, so this is all a very mature and reasonable way to educate teenagers about their bodies.  I get it.  It makes sense.  But this is MY daughter we’re talking about.  WTF!  I’m not ready to be reasonable or mature.


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