Mamarazzi - June 14, 2012

Lights, camera, action!  Nope, no movie star here, just a mom who either turns every Memorex moment into a confessional or a freak show.  Can someone please give me warning before you put on the red light?


Before Babyface, I hated to be in any kind of photos, professional pictures or video.  Now, there are red lights flashing and camera shutters echoing everywhere.  I’m surrounded.  Mother’s and father’s love catching their child’s first steps, their first words and even their first poopoo on the potty.


Recitals resemble the front lines.  There are ongoing flashes, trampled toes and elbows to the chest, just to catch a glimpse with a lens.  I’m short, so I’m just waiting for a black eye or a bruised rib.  You would think the kids were going for the Olympic gold, not walking across a damn balance beam without falling.  Some parents also think watching their kid “go for the gold”, stare at it and then eat it, is cute and worthy of camera time. I guarantee your kid will not.


When I gave up my cubicle and company pay, I gave up my fancy make-up and clothes.  Make-up makes an appearance only on weekends, holidays and special occasions.  Unfortunately, Kodak moments aren’t on my schedule, so they’re filled with Samsonites under my eyes, Buddha hairdos and some of my favorite, 20-year-old pajamas.  When my daughter views these, ten years from now, it’s going to look like we never left the house.


Then, there is the unintentional confessional.  No one tells me that they’re filming something around me and I keep jibber jabbering about some idiot or some nonsense.  Who’s the idiot here, really, though? [finger pistol pointing at my head]


I am notorious for talking in the background of all video.  No one ever tells me to shut up, not even my husband.  There’s no simple sign language, saying “zip the mouth” or “sshhh”.  I think he’s secretly planning on editing all of the confessional footage.  When my daughter is older and I say something to make him look like an a$$, he’ll play it and they’ll both burst out into laughter at my expense.  I think my friends are even in on it, because I did this yesterday on a playdate.  It’s a conspiracy theory, I tell you.


Then there are the times where drunken video sounds like a good idea, like the time we spiked our own eggnog with some brandy on the day we were decorating the Christmas tree.  I over-exaggerated how cute everything was in a stupid baby voice.  I personally hate when adults use baby talk, when they’re not even talking to a baby.  Unfortunately, too much alcohol releases that beast in me.  This is my own personal Kraken.


One time, when we first moved into our house, we took the label maker and decided to label ourselves with all kinds of stupid s#$* and then took pictures.  It was hilarious at the time, three sheets to the wind, but what a couple of idiots.  Funny-at-the-time is pretty much not so funny any other time, but it is forever caught on camera.  And, I’m somebody’s mother, too.


iPhones have increased the frequency of red lights.  With better camera phones on the rise, parents are catching every second, while I’m just a stone’s throw away, jibber jabbering with a Buddha bun on my head.


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