Am I Shopping For Fake Boobs Or A Fake Tree? - December 10, 2012

Am I Shopping for Fake Boobs or a Fake TreeI’m discovering that the criteria for purchasing a fake tree are probably pretty similar to searching for a new set of knockers.  My entire life, I have always decorated a real tree on Christmas.  I’ve been an all-natural kind of girl.  I’ve always loved the smell.  I’ve always loved the act of picking one out.  It was a wonderful end of year ritual that signified happiness.  After all, Christmas trees are each year’s beautiful, happy ending (keep your mind out of the gutter, please); right before I make a list of resolutions that I almost never keep.

 

My resolutions are like a list to Santa, after my name is already tattooed on the naughty side.  A fine list, but nothing to show for it.  Nothing to show for it, but the equivalent of a bag of coal (cellulite from forgetting the treadmill, but remembering the dark chocolate).

 

Hubs has always had fake trees.  His brother was allergic to the real kind, so, each year, they pulled their beautiful, plastic tree out of a box.  They put it together, instead of hauling it through the front door with pine needles trailing behind.

 

For the first 8 years of our relationship, hubs gave into my need to have a real tree.  We would weather the cold on an evening after work, pick out the perfect $$$ tree, and then he would strap it to the top of our old car.  We always used the old car because I didn’t want to scratch the roof of the one that my daughter would drive in 16, 15, 14, 13 and then 12 years.  I drove my parents leftover, clunker for two years and so will she.  Best to keep it as free from scratches, as much as possible, right?

 

This year, while talking to my mommy girlfriends, I discovered that they had all already decorated their trees and their homes were full of the Christmas spirit.  Our house still looks like it does on any other month.  Boring, and without the vibrant colors of Christmas scattered everywhere, to keep us warm-hearted during this cold season.  Most of them had pulled their trees out of a box and didn’t have to worry about whether it would go from green to brown in only a few weeks.

 

I like a warm house.  My blood is thin and I would rather have a warm, cozy house (we’re talking 72+ degrees here), than even a nice bottle of Cabernet.  The fact that warmth has more weight than good wine during the late fall and winter, says a lot.  Everyone knows how much I love my Cabernet.  Hubs loves me, so he lives with the heat and just walks around in his boxers, year round.  True love, I say.  He complains less and less, each year we’re together.

 

The problem with buying a tree early and loving the heat is that it turns to brown in half the time, regardless of how much you take care of it.  Not to mention, I’ve suddenly developed a conscience about killing trees for the sake of a holiday.  So, this year, we decided to follow hubs’ tradition and buy a fake one.

 

We didn’t decide to go fake, until December 3rd.  This is where the real, fake adventure began.  Apparently, all of the fake buyers purchase their trees very early, maybe even before-Thanksgiving early.  I now understand why Target dawns the Christmas displays after Halloween.  They have a lot of early-shopping takers.

 

My boobs may be small, but they are 100% real.  Mine are real, but I never judge others for doing what makes them happy.  If you want fake boobs, then be my guest.

 

Well, I think I just had a glimpse into the world of searching for the perfect pair.  All of the criteria are similar and the wait times are pretty much the same for the best implants, household or hot body.  Questions I’ve had to ask myself:

 

  • Do I want a big, heavy tree or a small, cute tree? If the tree is too big, I may have to buy more ornaments.  (Do I want big, heavy knockers or little, cute knockers?  If the knockers are too big, I may have to buy a whole new wardrobe.)
  • Will the tree fit into our house? (Will the knockers fit nicely into a bra?)
  • Does the display-tree look lopsided, like it could topple over?  (Does the plastic surgeon’s work look like a collection of Tara Reid’s knockers or too heavy for my back to carry?)
  • Does the tree feel like a real one or like pure plastic?  (Will the knockers feel like sand or will a “feeler” be confused about whether they’re natural or man-made?)
  • Are the colors of the tree natural looking or do they have frost or tinsel laced in? (Will the skin look natural after it’s all stretched out?  How the heck does the Doc do that anyway?)
  • Is the tree so good that it’s on back order?  Will I have to wait until two days before Christmas to get it?  (Is the doctor so good that I need to make an appointment a year in advance and hope I don’t have to cancel it because someone in the family gets the flu?)
  • What type of tree do I want?  Douglas Fur?  Noble Fur?  Purple pines? (Do I want to go with silicone?  Do I want saline?)
  • Do I want a prelit tree or an unlit tree?  What’s the warranty on the lights? (Is the doctor going to fix my new knockers, if the saline seeps into my bloodstream?  Should I buy tassels to show off my new knockers?)

 

Luckily, I only have to stare at the tree for 30 days a year and not be attached to it.  But, damn, who would have thought picking out a fake tree would be as hard as picking out a pair of fake knockers.  It’s a good thing hubs only likes his trees fake!  At least that’s what he tells me and it’s in his best interest to stick with his story.

 

  1. I don’t know how you did it, but you made me a believer and I am totally on your side. Yes. Buying a fake tree is pretty comparable to buying fake boobs. I guess in the end, you just hope it looks nice.

    Jae Mac, I’m Just Sayin’…(Damn!)
    Jae Mac recently posted..Powerball & The Wizard of OddsMy Profile

    Comment by Jae Mac — December 10, 2012 @ 11:54 am
  2. We ended up with a nice, tall and slim noble fur. She’s not perfect, but she definitely looks good in her tassels :)

    Comment by Mommy Unmuted — December 10, 2012 @ 12:13 pm
  3. I HAVE TO have a real x-mas tree. It wouldn’t be the same for me! And loved the post, very funny and very true. Keep up the good work :))

    Comment by Alexandra — December 10, 2012 @ 1:30 pm
  4. It’s only been a couple of days, but it’s growing on me. Can’t really tell it’s not real, unless I feel it :)

    Comment by Mommy Unmuted — December 10, 2012 @ 1:33 pm
  5. “walks around in his boxers all year” = TRUE love for sure! We always have an artificial tree and I actually prefer the fake ones. You can barely even tell it’s fake! lmao! The Tara Reid part made me snort. I’m sending this to my sister who’s a “real tree” type.
    Lucy recently posted..A Christmas Slap In The FaceMy Profile

    Comment by Lucy — December 10, 2012 @ 1:46 pm
  6. It’s true! I can’t remember the last time hubs wore long pants in our house. He’s usually sweating, when it’s 50 degrees out, so… I’m starting to like our fake tree, too. As long as I don’t touch it, I can’t really tell the difference! ;)

    Comment by Mommy Unmuted — December 10, 2012 @ 7:13 pm
  7. Gee, I never thought about how similar one is to the other… I’m allergic to pine trees. Does this mean I’d be allergic to fake boobs too?
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl recently posted..Auntie Shrew, Auntie Shrew, Mommy’s Sick!My Profile

    Comment by The Sadder But Wiser Girl — December 11, 2012 @ 8:28 am
  8. You could have a saline or silicone allergy. Somehow, I think an allergy to fake boobs is probably more of an acquired one for some ;)

    Comment by Mommy Unmuted — December 11, 2012 @ 9:15 am
  9. lmao!!!! never thought about it that way but you know what you’re totally right!! hahaha! i’m allergic to everything so i love my fake tree and I like the fact that i spend $30 and it lasts every year…until the lights die! hehehee i love it! xoxoxo
    chewylicious recently posted..Fighting with Your Spouse is Never FunMy Profile

    Comment by chewylicious — December 11, 2012 @ 4:43 pm
  10. I’m sorry to let you know that we fake…the tree…every year! :(
    Roshni recently posted.."I get by with a little help from my friends!"My Profile

    Comment by Roshni — December 11, 2012 @ 9:14 pm
  11. I feel like I’m in good company. I’m glad other people are okay with going fake, too! :)

    Comment by Mommy Unmuted — December 12, 2012 @ 7:04 pm

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